Update Time

For those friends who are on Facebook with me, you know I spent part of last weekend in the hospital. I had a fever and they wanted to rule out any infections running amok given my immune system is compromised. After a series of blood tests where they could find nothing and being given antibiotics just to be sure, I got to go home around 10PM and sleep in my own bed. It's a comfortable hospital with great staff, but my own bed is so much more comfortable. 

So it turns out that my delay in surgery (or Removal of Mothership as I call it) isn't just because of August's blood clot. As it often happens, cancer adapts to the given chemotherapy so stops working.  The "Hammer" got us halfway to an operable sized tumor, but time to switch it up. I'm now taking Xeloda. I'm thinking of nicknaming this one the "Tiffany Treatment" for reasons which will become clear by the time you get through this post. 

It has been difficult to accept that there is no set timetable for the next steps, especially with the holidays around the corner. No way to know how long it will take or if my cancer will become chemotherapy resistant again. That is the downside…  but there's actually an upside!

This new regimen is so much easier on my body than the other one. It's a daily oral chemotherapy that I take for two weeks then have a week off before starting again. It doesn't become the full blown "chemotherapy" until it has metabolized in my body and in the actual cancer cells. Which is why the side effects are only mild to moderate. 

For example, my immune system doesn't take the hit it did on the "Hammer". So in a couple of weeks my ban on indoor settings that include lots of people as well as raw fruits and vegetables will be lifted. There is some fatigue and mild gastro type issues, but so far, not the show stopping kind. My hair should start growing back too! 

Only potential side effect I dread is hand foot syndrome.  That makes it painful at times to walk and use hands but that doesn't happen the majority of time. In short, it's not unrealistic to hope for a quality of life improvement the next three months. I say three months as that's how much was delivered last week. Could be taking it for more or less time. 

Now it is delivered because the cost of this chemotherapy is so expensive, you can't get it from a pharmacy.  The price of it is why we didn't start with this drug too.  It is crazy expensive. No insurance company will approve paying for it until the less expensive treatment (that is often effective) stops working.

At first, I was annoyed we didn't start with this therapy… I would have avoided the mediport surgery, clot issues, hair loss etc. Then it occurred to me that when this one stopped working, I'd have to switch to the "Hammer". Going in this order, it's like a gift of sorts.

Between that and the cost of it, hence the nickname "Tiffany Treatment". Seriously thinking about putting the pills in one of those famous blue boxes. Imagine how fun that would be to open twice a day? I could even include a "why thank you George Clooney!" right before opening.  

Speaking of famous movie actors, I watched with my daughter last night a classic tear jerk chick flick: Steel Magnolias. (Stop reading now if you're someone who never saw the movie and want to see it.)  As I had seen it in 1989, I forgotten a lot of it.  I knew the plot but not the details such as the scenes between the mother/daughter characters.

The hardest for me to watch was when the daughter was dying and it was breaking her mother's heart. It occurred to me that there's a chance my own mother is going to have to go through that. As a mother myself, I know the pain she will feel… and it made me cry to imagine her having to face it.  Even the next day, as I write this, my eyes well up to picture her in such pain.

Before any one thinks I've given up, that's not the case at all. I'm still hoping be a part and taking actions that show promise to land me in the group of people who live for decades with cancer.  But I'm very much aware that things don't always go the way you hope. I know if that's the case with me, while not going to rejoice, I know I'll be at peace with it.

It reminds me yet again something that I know is often hard for some folks to grasp: What I'm dealing with is emotionally hard on me, but it is much harder on those who love me. Even at this stage, I can hear it in their voices and see it in their eyes just how difficult it is for them.  Which is why I'm even more pleased with the new chemotherapy. I anticipate as I feel and look better, it's going to ease the fears/sadness of my loved ones.

Yep, I really need to investigate storing my new chemo drugs in a Tiffany's gift box!

Pinktober Backlash

It seems everywhere I turn this week, there's a pink ribbon on something as it is "Pinktober", the month dedicated to raising both awareness and funds to support breast cancer research. And in my following news related to my stage of cancer (4), I see a backlash against this campaign. Some are more angry or passionate than others, but the theme is that very few dollars (and therefore little progress has been made in recent years ) is going towards extending or saving the life of those with stage 4 or metastatic breast cancer.

For those who don't know, that's when the cancer has spread from the breast, most often the bones, lungs, liver, or brain. Unlike the other stages, this cancer has no cure. It may go into remission and/or be treatable for years but almost 100 percent of the time, it kills you in the end.

Personally, I don't feel any anger that only two percent of all those funds raised goes towards curing/treating those at stage 4. It's hard for me to find fault as not only have I've benefitted from the raised awareness, but I'm all for increasing the survival rate of anyone who has cancer. It does make me  very curious.

Not to be a downer, but 30 percent of those who were diagnosed with an earlier stage cancer, even after a successful treatment end up with metastatic cancer later down the road.  If only two percent came back at stage 4, it would make sense to me.

Is it more of an image thing in fundraising? It is easier to raise funds for a cause that is saving the lives 70% of people?  People just like backing a cause with better odds? As someone with a marketing background, I see that being a much easier, campaign to create and execute.  Speaking of the marketing side, I have to admit I so prefer the "ribbon" (pictured in upper right corner of this post) designed for the campaign to raise awareness for metastatic cancer. Much more interesting than the solid pink if you ask me.

If this "Pinktober" you're looking to donate to funds for breast cancer, consider donating to research dedicated to save the lives of folks like me who are fighting stage 4 breast cancer. Click that multicolor, interesting ribbon to go to a fundraising site specifically for that purpose. Thank you to all who have and will donate to either ribbon cause.