All in all, I feel pretty good. Sure, there's still a few side effects left. "Chemo brain" is a real thing. I misplace or forget things more often. (Or writing a blog post and forgetting to publish it!) Still have some minor discomfort from the radiation and surgery. The pill makes my joints ache when I first walk around upon waking up (but is gone within 10 minutes). I do have some minor lung damage from radiation that complicated a chest cold, eventually turning it into a sinus infection (but that was knocked out with drugs.)
Hard to believe I'm coming up on a year now since my diagnosis then subsequent treatment. I find it rather fitting that my daughter's graduation party, a pure day of celebration for me, is on the anniversary of my learning I have cancer.
Wow though. What a year!! Just 12 months ago, I was absolutely convinced that I just had a cyst. The very symptoms that are typical of inflammatory breast cancer (IBC) were atypical of breast cancer as I understood. They actually reassured me that it couldn't be cancer as I had no idea IBC existed. So I put off going to the doctor for a couple of weeks as I was dreading having it drained by a needle.
It's really amazing how clueless I was. Even after my primary care doctor insisted I go that afternoon for a mammogram and then that doctor insisted that I have biopsy that day, I STILL believed it was a cyst. I will never forget when I asked the doctor as she was doing the biopsy if this was going to drain my cyst or do I have to go somewhere else. First her eyes showed surprise, then became gentle and full of compassion, she took a breath and said, "You have cancer. What we don't know is what kind and what stage. This test will help your doctors determine treatment."
She finished the procedure while I cried silently. After she left, her nurse told me it was going to be ok. It will be a very difficult year ahead, but in the end, I will probably be fine. Probably. I heard that qualifier. And it was in that moment that my life felt completely uncertain and out of my control.
Well, to clarify, life is always uncertain. However, I didn't operate as such. I took for granted a great deal.
So, that nurse was right. It has been a hard year. Life as I knew it came to a grinding halt. The depth of sadness and fear took my breath away at first as I processed that I may still have years ahead of me… or just months. I've come to know women who are midway through their 2nd decade post diagnosis… and watched others die within a couple of years after finding out, despite all the treatment.
But here's the thing. My life also became incredibly beautiful to me because I learned some certain truths:
One truth is that no matter how hard I find my situation, how sad or scared it makes me feel at times… there is someone out there who looks at me and wishes they had my life. I have so many blessings… the love and support of family and friends, great medical team ... resources to fight this beast. I not only got to be a mother but one who got to enjoy my kids' entire childhood. My not taking the time to be grateful for these things feels like I'm adding insult to injury to the woman who wishes she was so lucky.
Another truth is that regret of past mistakes and fear of an unknown future literally robs me of the joy that can be had today. As my days might be limited, I'm not going to waste them! Every day has something positive in it, if I'm willing to look for it and/or look past the negative aspect. It's up to me.
While it may be so cliche, carpe diem is the way to enjoy today and avoid regret tomorrow. There is the reality that at some point I will likely have to undergo chemo, surgery and/or radiation again, which means that what I can do today, I won't be able to do.
Last but least, I've been given a gift that those who die suddenly don't get. While I hope I won't have to "wrap things up" with my life for years to come, I get to do that. The people I love won't be haunted by what they didn't get a chance to say… or what they needed to hear from me. Truly, that's an amazing gift.
Bottom line, my life isn't totally uncertain as I first thought upon hearing that "probably you'll be fine." There are certain truths in which I can count upon. How long I live might not be up to me, but HOW I live is completely my choice. I can choose to wallow, to live like a helpless victim, or not. I'm going to go with the not.
I choose embrace a life based on gratitude and hope… life focused on the joy of TODAY… not the regret of yesterday or the fear of tomorrow. Of this, I'm certain is the key to happiness. Regardless if one has cancer or not.
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