Unexpected Impact of a Celebrity Suicide

Those who are friends with me on Facebook know Robin Williams suicide upset me. It wasn't just because that silly and sweet man charmed me onscreen was gone forever.  I certainly was sympathetic to the idea of anyone, regardless of their profession, being so sad that death is better. But there was more, especially when it was revealed he had recently been diagnosed with a potentially treatable for years but incurable disease. That it way too close to home for me.

I did the research when I got my diagnosis of an eventually fatal disease. Even the best case scenario will be difficult at times and the worse case scenario is frightening, to say the least. The uncertainty of whether it will be best, worse or somewhere between case scenario can be utterly overwhelming alone.  Life as I knew it changed forever in a way I never saw coming.

My imagination lead me to picture that Robin, like myself, was both grieving and scared in the face of this diagnosis. His solution to guarantee he won't suffer the negative aspects of the worse case scenario as well just skip over the uncertainty is one that naturally occurred to me too. However, that was just a passing thought for me. As soon as it formed, what has driven my entire life kicked into gear. Hope, faith and love replaced, well at least quieted, the fear and sadness.

While I know my cancer will never be cured and it is likely what kills me in the end, I have hope that I can make it to that group who lives 5 plus years. Even better, I know there's a chance my cancer could become "NED" (No Evidence of Disease) for months, years even maybe even decades. I have the faith that regardless, something from this experience is to be gained that I will cherish and never could have if I hadn't gotten cancer.

Then there is the love I have in my life. Love for and from my family and friends. Love from an entity I choose to believe is God. Hope, faith and love all work together for me, motivating me to roll the dice despite all the uncertainty, fear and sadness. Robin's choice isn't on the table for me.

My oncologist and I were talking recently about the next step after chemo which for me will be a surgery. He shared that some women who are also at Stage 4 decide to skip the mastectomy, avoiding also the reconstruction surgery. The thought is the horse is out of the barn, so to speak, with the spread of cancer to other parts of the body so why go through the surgery? The tumor in my breast isn't fatal, where it spread (that teeny tiny lesion in my spine) won't either (will hurt though if it makes my bone break from inside out), but that's now being treated with chemo. It has to hit a vital organ and so far, none show it!

That said, having the mastectomy increases long term survival odds significantly as there may be other "horses in the barn" that haven't found their way out yet but might at some point down the road. I explained that I want to take every reasonable step to give me a better chance of living as long and well as possible. I am indeed prepared for the worst but I am hoping for the best. The pain (both physical and emotional) of losing my breasts is worth it to me if it gives me better odds of having a longer life. All of what I'm facing treatment wise is worth it to me for the chance of having more time with those I love and in this beautiful world in general.

Robin William's (imagined as I have no way of ever knowing) conclusion that it is not worth it hit me hard.  He touched on a fear I didn't realize I had, which is the possibility of losing my hope, faith and love, which are precious lifelong companions of mine the more I thought about it. Even when the day comes that I'm told that my cancer is no longer treatable, I still want those companions. Now I know intellectually that he suffered depression for so many years so it is quite possible he never had the same companions ever.  But still, the idea of life without hope, faith and love scares me more than my cancer.