The cause wasn't how I was feeling about my treatment or prognosis but how my 17 year old daughter was struggling with it. I had made a mistake in regards to her. A. Big. One.
She and I had grand plans this summer. We were going to go to Dallas to spend a month with my family where among the many adventures included an internship for her at my mother's magazine. Rather than cancel all those awesome plans, I thought it best for her to just go without me. She'd be with my very loving and capable family rather than stuck at home with me being too tired to do anything fun and unable to go to even movies because of my immune system being weakened.
What I hadn't realized was just how scared she was about what was happening to me. Out of sight, didn't mean out of mind but as time passed, just increased her anxiety. She has a challenge with stress and anxiety that emerged last winter. When it becomes too much for her, how her mind copes is to "check her out." I know that it is vague, but as it is her challenge, that is her story to share.
How it affects me, is my story. It scares me and makes me so sad to see my beautiful daughter struggle that way. Believe it or not, this cancer crap is nothing compared to how watching her deal with her challenge makes me feel. Maybe that's why I was able to take the diagnosis as well as I did, I've faced something much scarier.
It was determined that given she wasn't getting better in Dallas, she not only needed to see her doctor but it would be helpful for her to be around me as her anxiety about me was the trigger. So we got her home for some TLC.
Today, after a week of holding my breath, I was able to exhale. I could see the "checking back in" starting. Which is such a relief. Now I can go back to whining and reflecting about all the cancer stuff as what is far more important to me has righted itself again.
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